Comrades. Friends. Fellow Gas Guzzlers

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is behind the insane spike in oil prices?  Some blame speculators for the wild run, but who are these speculators? Hedge Funds? Terrorists? OPEC? Car Companies? Big Oil?  Alternative Energy? Republicans? Democrats? Bicycle Companies?    With high oil prices threatening to dramatically slow down not just the US economy but also the global economy along with it, you have to wonder whom really stands to benefit. I have given great thought to the situation and have come to the conclusion, after taking a close look at the usual suspects, that there is a massive conspiracy afoot.  OPEC was at the top of the list, but it made no sense.  With gas at S135 a barrel they should be drilling like there is no tomorrow.  If you had a lemonade stand and prices went from 50 cents a glass to 5 bucks, you’d be producing as much lemonade as possible — unless you didn’t have more lemons.  Terrorists would certainly stand to benefit by pissing off the world and creating economic chaos.  After all, that’s part of the job description. Nonetheless, if they were behind it they would have taken credit for it by now.  The car companies are getting murdered.  In all fairness, they have been getting murdered for years which leads me to believe that they aren’t savvy enough to pull off something that may a provide them an opportunity to reinvent their own business and actually turn a profit.  Alternative energy companies are too busy being green and selling polluters carbon credits to be bothered.  Would PETA members sign up for a safari?  I don’t think so.  The Democrats and the Republicans are too busy fighting with one another to actually do something about the energy crisis — although they did mandate the use of ethanol and managed to even out the price of a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk in the process.  By process of elimination, I have come to the conclusion that only the bicycle industry stands to benefit from our current energy crisis and, given the current crisis, it looks like we are going to need to convert the diamond lanes into bike paths in the very near future.

Comrades. Friends. Fellow Media Junkies

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Smoking Peashooter has been deluged with calls about the story in Vanity Fair about Gina Gershon and former President Bill Clinton. I hate to disappoint, but the piece published in Vanity Fair was a complete fabrication.   To boot, it was published without bothering to confirm any facts, sans running a spell check. For those of you who don’t know, Gina and her brother, Dann Gershon, co-wrote Camp Creepy Time, a cautionary tale about aliens posing as counselors in order to abduct the kids and sell them to an intergalactic monster zoo. Like the article in Vanity Fair, Camp Creepy Time was work of fiction, albeit it was at least it was based on a real summer camp as opposed to a fictional affair based on a family BBQ that took place in a Los Angeles kitchen.  Has Vanity Fair become so desperate to sell magazines that they have forgotten why they became journalists in the first place? Unfortunately, Vanity Fair is only a small part of a far-reaching problem that has forced journalists to become little more than rumormongers and tools of the two party system. You might as well vote for Putin if you find this type of system acceptable. On another note, if you hate the lobbyists, Putin may be your man. The truth is out there somewhere, my friends — unfortunately Vanity Fair and others in the media don’t seem to give a damn. And, that’s a shame. The moral, comrades? Don’t believe anything you read in the media these days — unless it’s about a wild night out involving Bigfoot and Paris Hilton.

Yours truly,

Einstein P. Fleet

Leader of the Underground and Defender of the Truth

Comrades. Friends. Fellow Media Marshmallows

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took several days to dislodge the V-Chip from my brain. The procedure was done with a plastic spoon and no anesthesia —- unless one considers listening to the Democrats debate the same issues over and over again mind numbing. Although in all fairness, the McCain proposal to suspect the 18 cent a gallon gas tax to “give Americans a summer vacation” was proof that, not only had our minds been reduced to mush, but our new batch of politicos are fully equipped with V-Chips of their own. Clinton picking up the ball and running with it a few weeks later had me scratching my head, wondering if our two party system was really a one party system divided by a common foe — George Bush. A lesser boy would have wilted under the pressure — both from the procedure and absurd idea our government actually believes that the summer rebate of 18 cents a gallon would actually make a difference. Where do you go on vacation for a few dollars when you still have to spend a week’s pay to fill up the tank? I suppose you could put up a tent in back off the house and toast marshmallows if you can afford them, while waiting for the bank to repossess your property. Leaving the V-Chip implanted in my brain would have allowed me to ignore the myriad of problems and finish making my Popsicle stick bird house while Rome burned, but I couldn’t. My life’s work and the mission of The Smoking Peashooter is to uncover conspiracies and, V-Chip or no V-Chip, Big Brother would not keep my from my work. Fortunately my jungle training and years of public school enabled me to ignore the pain. I’ll admit to screaming out loud once or twice, but that was more due to the confiscation of my Twinkies than the actual procedure. I passed out from the pain and woke up days later, still trapped in the detention room. I tried to organize my fellow misfits into planning a daring escape, but they had little interest. V-Chips installed, these former funsters and hardcore juvenile delinquents had been subdued and turned into upstanding citizens. Sadly, I had to abandon my comrades and escape on my own. Given the guards were doing double duty teaching gym due to the budget constraints of the public school system, I met with no resistance. I leisurely walked down the hall, waltzed out the front door, headed back to the house, and locked myself in my room. I fired up the computer and discovered that The Smoking Peashooter had been shut down. No doubt, Big Brother and the aliens that have taken over our planet had a hand in this, but I will not be deterred from the mission at hand. If it’s a war they want, it’s a war they will get. Stay tuned, comrades. Einstein P. Fleet is back on the case.

Comrades. Friends. Fellow Zombies.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have spent the last several days in detention for a crime that I did not commit. Convicted and sentenced without a trial or the benefit of legal representation, I can only hope that justice will prevail and I will be released before I’m eligible for Social Security or I run out of Twinkies — whichever comes first. The good news is that the workload is light, even by the pathetic standards of our public school system. We pass the time by making water balloons and spit wads and spray painting our names on the walls of the room. My fellow inmates may be a demented lot, but they are basically funsters at heart — or at least they were until yesterday. At first I thought that hard time in detention had taken its toll on our minds or we had all been possessed. The joy of toilet papering the detention room or gluing a kid to his chair had disappeared. In its place, any practical joke was followed by electrical shocks so severe that the shock reduced my fellow funsters to little more than zombies. I have no doubt that the government is behind this conspiracy. Most likely a new type of V-Chip was embedded our brains during the mandatory nap hour. How do I know this, comrades? The daily water balloon and spit wad fights have been replaced by endless hours of studying. There is simply no other explanation for this sudden change in behavior. Apparently no child will be left behind now that a V-Chip has been installed. Not only does the device emit a strong electric shock, it also comes equipped with a GPS tracking device to prevent any chance of eluding our captors. The only positive is that we can now find our way to the toilet blindfolded. If anyone out there receives this message, please pass it along to others as a warning to others who have respect for human rights and a desire for privacy. Big Brother is not just watching, comrades.    He’s inside our minds — and bathrooms.  Yes, it’s a disgusting thought and something to remember when buying towels and toilet paper.